Are you being a martyr?

I’ve just spent over an hour clearing the pattern of being a martyr from my energy system. This article is not about the suicide bomber martyr that we are familiar with but instead about the many ways in which we buy into being a martyr in our everyday life.

Here are some ways you may notice the martyr pattern:

• You feel good when you indulge e.g. you feel kind of happy with a hangover, or after you’ve eaten too much
• You feel that people who have it easy aren’t as deserving
• You get sympathy for doing it tough
• You create difficulties so that others empathise
• You find it difficult to tell your friends about your successes but can gather a crowd in an instant when you want to share your woes

In Australia, we have a concept called the “tall poppy syndrome”. The tall poppy syndrome is where the more successful you are the more people want to cut you down. On the flipside is the national identity of the “aussie battler” who should be admired for doing it tough. So the tougher you have it the more you get acceptance, sympathy, and significance. The more successful you are the more that people will want to cut you down. Sounds like martyrdom to me.

Growing up, I had a Christian education which is a religion based entirely on martyrdom. "Jesus died for our sins" is the message. He sacrificed himself so that you may be saved. So the holiest person is the one that sacrifices the most, the one who is the greatest martyr. Note that I still think Christian principles have their place but skip the guilt trip for being successful, happy, and healthy.

If the above paragraphs get you angry and defensive, consider why? Because it challenges some of you most deeply cherished beliefs. Great, take those beliefs out and consider them consciously. Do they make sense? Did you choose those beliefs or have you just accepted them unconsciously? Rather than going with your first knee-jerk reaction, really take the time to think about them. Do some EFT on the feelings that come up and look for the gift below it.

The media of course have their place in rewarding martyrdom. If someone is doing it tough and wins the lottery, well they deserved it. But if a rich person makes more money, they’re just another selfish rich bastard.

Have a think in your life about how many ways you are rewarded for doing it tough. Have a think of how many ways in your life you get connection and sympathy for the troubles you are having. All of these reinforce the martyr pattern.

For those who are familiar with EFT, here is some tapping phrases that will get you started in clearing the pattern. You will need to be curious and persistent to identify all the ways the pattern shows up.

Be sure to include that second part of the EFT Phrase, “I deeply and completely love and forgive myself” after each of these phrase since we have rarely made a conscious choice to play the martyr and becoming aware of the pattern sometimes leads to anger at ourselves and others. So be sure to clear that as well.

"Even though I feel more deserving the harder things get, …"
"Even though I get connection and sympathy for having it tough, …"
"Even though you have to sacrifice to be rewarded, …"
"Even though I feel significant for how tough I’m doing it, …"
"Even though I keep creating struggle in my life to feel good about myself, …"
"Even though I feel good when I treat myself badly, …"
"Even though I feel good when others treat me badly, …"
"Even though I'm always ready to sacrifice myself so that others feel good about themselves, ..."
"Even though I only allow myself to feel good when I've sacrificed in some way, ..."

Consider also how being a martyr meets your 6 Human Needs and see if you can identify more empowering and fullfilling ways of meeting those needs instead.

The christian religions teach us that the holiest thing we can do is to die for another. I'm curious how different the world would be if the holiest thing we could do was to live for each other instead.

In the comments, let me know what other phrases you come up with for your unique version of matrydom.